Introduction
Active listening is a skill that can make or break a leader. Few people are gifted with it naturally—in fact, most people do it very badly, especially those who are focused on a clear set of goals and know how they want to reach them.
They give very little room to listening to others, appreciating different points of view, or gathering new information—which can be critical at times. Instead they carry well-rehearsed responses to questions, jump in with solutions that they have seen work in the past, and say they’re too busy to think things through from a new perspective.
By contrast, a good active listener will broaden his or her knowledge through relating to others, build motivated and responsible teams, and create an environment where new ideas can flourish and take flight. Getting to grips with this essential communication skill should be high on the agenda of any aspiring leader.
Making It Happen
To develop an understanding of the importance of active listening, begin to observe others in communication and appraise the success of the exchange.
- Was it fluid or stilted?
- Did both parties interact equally, or did one dominate?
- Did their body language reflect each other’s, or was one person restrained?
- Did each manage to put their point of view across without interruption?
Once you begin to question the quality of communication, you will notice that much is lost when people don’t listen properly to each other. Relationships suffer and motivation wanes when people’s best efforts are ignored or dismissed.
The people who influence us most profoundly are likely to demonstrate most of the following active listening skills.
| Concentrating on the message. This means silencing the internal dialogue that leads us to premature conclusions about what is being said, and focusing on the speaker’s perspective. It does not mean jumping in with remarks based on assumptions, or curtailing the conversation with a statement or decision. Many people are preparing their response before the speaker has finished… try not to use the other’s air time as a silent rehearsal of your retort. |
| Acknowledging what is being said through non-verbal signals such as mirroring their body position, maintaining good eye contact, and nodding in appreciation of what is being said. Acknowledgement can be further emphasised through summarising your understanding of what has been said and checking that this is what the communicator intended to convey. |
| Empathising with the communicator’s situation. Empathy is about being able to put yourself in the other’s shoes and imagine what things are like from their perspective. This can be conveyed through telling them about a situation where you felt the same way, or through simply identifying with them and validating their feelings. |
| Offering interpretations and perceptions to help move the communication forward, then listening for agreement or disagreement. This enables both parties to start exploring the territory more openly. It is important to listen for at this point, which enables you to remain open to new ideas and to think positively about the other’s input. Listening against will result in you closing down to new information and automatically seeking arguments why something won’t work. |
| Questioning and probing brings forth more information and will clear up any misunderstandings about what is being said. If you want to explore someone’s thoughts more thoroughly, open questions are helpful. “Tell me more about…?”, “What were your feelings when…?”, “What are your thoughts…?” These questions encourage the speaker to impart more information than closed questions, that merely elicit a “yes” or “no”. Ironically, the choice of words is vital—they are very powerful in being able to stimulate further conversation, or to close it down altogether. |
| Giving and receiving feedback is an important part of the exercise, as long as it is done in a constructive way. It allows both positions to be made clear and any ambiguity ironed out before it becomes a barrier to good communication. Constructive feedback focuses on specific outputs, rather than general inputs; what the other does, rather than who the other is. For instance: “When you answer your e-mails during our meeting, it makes me feel as if you are not listening to me.”—rather than: “You are inconsiderate and rude and I want nothing more to do with you!” |
| Not being afraid of silence. We often feel compelled to fill silences, even when we don’t really have anything to say — yet silence can be helpful in creating the space to gather thoughts and prepare for our next intervention. It is often the silence between the words that conveys the most “language”. Experiment with pauses and see how much richer the exchange can be. |
These qualities may lead you to think that active listening is unfocused and takes too much time. This is not the case. Active listening enables more efficient communication because it is based on a proper understanding of the situation and each person’s feelings about it, rather than on assumptions and predispositions. This saves a great deal of time because misunderstandings are rare, and relationships don’t need mending.
Although active listening skills are natural in some people, they can nonetheless be learned by those who are not so gifted. See if you can think of someone who enables you to feel heard when you talk to them, and allows you the time and attention to say what you need to. They often make you feel as if you are important, or contributing to something significant.
Compare how their behaviors match the list above, observe them in action, and use them as a role model. You may even be able to ask them for feedback and guidance on how to improve your own communication style. Once you begin to master these skills, you will probably find people giving you positive feedback quite naturally, and see the results of your efforts immediately.
In addition, not only will you learn more about other people, but also about yourself — your predispositions, assumptions, and values —which is always useful when planning your life.
Common Mistakes
Over Doing It
Active listening can be over played when it is first learned, and enthusiasm is at its height. Be careful that the person with whom you are communicating doesn’t think that you are mocking them by over doing the matching and mirroring, nodding ferociously, and probing their thoughts and feelings to an unacceptable level. “Moderation in all things” and “a step at a time” are two epithets worth remembering when embarking on this style of communication.
Not Concentrating
Going through the motions without fully attending to what is being said can be picked up easily. If active listening is to be done properly, it must be done authentically. It is no good probing and asking open questions, if you are going to give yourself away when you reflect back your understanding. Try really concentrating on what the other is saying, getting a full understanding of the context and reason for their communication, and withholding judgment until the conversation is ready for a response.
Assuming Too Much
Assuming that everyone has the same values and motivations as you is a common source of confusion when trying to build rapport. Our values and beliefs are so deeply engrained that it is sometimes difficult to imagine anyone feeling any different. Active listening suspends assumptions about values and beliefs, and will protect you from falling into this trap. If you detect difference, explore it so that you can fully understand and appreciate where the other party is coming from.
See also…
Effective writing: Effective writing transmits a clear, concise message that is easily understood, well organised and to the point.
Image management: Managing your personal image can increase the confidence people place in you and the career opportunities that come to you.
Managing perceptions: In senior management roles it becomes increasingly important to be able to understand and manage the perception others have of us.
Your Values: Values are about worth. They are the principles, standards and beliefs you are committed to and live your life by. You feel unhappy and dissatisfied when your values are compromised.
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Based on an article in Business - the ultimate resource
